Moms we should be talking about

Mothers Day went by and brought a lot of joys for moms across the globe. The social media exploded with posts, photos, heart warming messages and quotes, videos and loads of competitions/giveaways. There was happiness everywhere. I am a mom too, and I pondered over my life and the many moms that I know of. Deep thoughts made me realise that we don’t discuss some mothers. We are too caught up in the normalcy of life, and the struggles we see in common around us that we do not think beyond them to realise a fellow mom exists who isn’t in the same state as us.

This Mothers day I thought deeply of the moms like me, Moms who visit the courts to fight for their childs custody. I at-least have baby Abbas with me now, to feel more like a hands on mother, but what about the mothers who are struggling in our judicial system fighting in court for the best interest of their child? Dealing with an ego-centric ex-husband, not being allowed visitations! Thoughts led me to think about the moms who aren’t living the ordinary life. They don’t get a card or gift from their child, because their child passed away….Moms who are trying to make a living on their own as single parents, moms who have just separated or divorced and are trying to figure out the dynamic of their new life…moms who have child/ren with disabilities….moms who have children fighting for their life in hospitals..moms who chose to be moms and adopted children…..moms who have recently lost their moms…moms who may be battling a life threatening disease…moms who have been separated from their children due to war, moms who are unable to meet their children waiting for visitations rights….Moms who have children who have not turned out to be morally sound….Moms who are consoling daughters/sons who have been through abuse…..moms who became moms due to assault…They are all moms aren’t they?

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From my personal experience I have learned that; yes, in our country and culture moms are given much respect. But a lot of that is in words. “Maa” they say, but sometimes a mother can be another mothers worst enemy. I guess it’s only when you go through certain experiences do you recognise the honest people from the big-talkers. Everyone says moms are the most important person in the lives of children, yet we aren’t as aware of the severity of mommy struggles that surround us. Truly mothers are the strongest creatures on earth. I remember my moms prayers, whenever she used to hear the sound of speeding sports bikes in the late hours of the night, she used to say “May Allah give patience to the mothers of these boys”. I’m talking about school days, the thoughts that used to come to my mind were ‘oh cool, they’re going by like lightening…or I wish I could ride a bike that fast…..or why can’t be quieter….’ But since my mom voiced her concern as the mother, empathising with the moms of those biker boys I realised that there is such a solid perspective to this. How many times a day or month or even year do we think from the mothers perspective? How many of us have tried to think about the experience of the mother whenever her child goes through something?

I tell myself during my mommy struggles that, at-least I have faith, and the faith in God is the best. I am grateful that I am not a refugee separated from my child, I am grateful that my child hasn’t died in a shooting at school, or been killed by terrorists or extremist groups. As a mother I think it’s important to empathise, put ourselves in the shoes of other mums, even if it’s just in our thoughts and try to understand what the other moms are going through. Only a mom can understand another mom.

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This may not have been the most chirpy, candyfloss and balloons kind of a post, but important none the less. It’s extremely important for us to discuss the societal issues, and value EVERY mom, and think about the not-so-common struggles of a mother, and if not be able to help, be grateful that we aren’t facing them 🙂

I request prayers from everyone for my pending custody case, hope to get my daughter back soon and give her the life she deserves.

Welcoming baby boy and quick life update

The miracle pregnancy has gotten over and concluded on Feb 15th with a miracle baby boy. I call it a miracle because never had I imagined to deliver a full term baby with a bicornuate uterus, it was a done deal, every doctor was expecting the pregnancy to go up to max 32 weeks. But keeping hope, taking precautions, staying healthy and a tonne of prayers sprinkled with the mercy of God has made this pregnancy progress into week 39!

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Baby Abbas was born via an emergency C –Section after normal just didn’t seem to happen. I am just glad that he and I both got through everything healthy, no NICU involvement and a decent recovery for me. A month has passed now, I can’t believe how each day passes so quickly. Loving every bit of caring for a little baby, some nights are definitely more exhausting than others, but I try to make-up for the sleep deprivation during the day time, when little Abbas is asleep. I have no experience with a full term baby, everyone seems to say things settle down in the first few months and a routine can be formed. Love routine!

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I had placed an order for a copy of What to expect the first year, and so far it’s been a decent guide. Only issue is, there’s not much time to read! I would recommend parents to buy one during pregnancy and go through the topics and book mark pages that may be seem relevant. I had read up all about breastfeeding during pregnancy as well, as I have never experienced it. I also read up the bathing baby topic, basically these were my top concerns.

Been taking a lot of pics, he seems to be very creative with his hand positions. Trying to get a hang of maintaining sanity while sleep deprived; but it’s been good overall. The baby is nothing like me in looks, hoping for the chatter box personality of mine to kick in soon. Till then, will enjoy every adventure, a running clock, and hopefully be able to blog more often along the way.

Youtube Channels for Pregnancy

I love how interesting your pregnancy can be with the various modes of information available. I wonder how people back in the day went through pregnancies without books, videos, scans etc. to be educated on the progress of a pregnancy. Since most of current pregnancy has been bed rest I have been binge watching Youtube videos, and have a few YouTube channels that are great to subscribe to during pregnancy. These are in no particular order:

Intermountain Moms– Nurse Dani makes videos on questions asked by moms and gives information that is to the point and helpful. There’s no unnecessary rambling and plenty of guidance. She’s always sure to recommend consultations with your own OB provider for specific issues., which is important. It’s not safe to take general advice and follow it, each pregnancy is different.

Pregnancy Chat– I love the week by week videos on this channel. Monica Healy, talks in detail about not just the growth of the baby but also what the mom goes through each week. The information is factual, and precise. Every second of the video is packed with useful data. I mostly like it because it’s not a tiny video with four facts you may have already read. On the contrary, the video leaves you very satisfied with a clear understanding of what pregnancy would be like that week. A tip: The videos are titled as “32 weeks pregnant” which would mean the video should be about week 33, but it’s actually of the 32nd week of pregnancy. Something to keep in mind while searching for your particular week.

Consumer Health Digest– The week by week pregnancy videos come with 4D ultrasound images and pointers of what’s going to happen in the week. The playlist comes with other related videos that may be of help. I mainly focussed on the weekly growth. The information covered is precise, but may not be satisfying if you’re looking for something in depth. I enjoy the illustrations and the pleasant personality of the speaker is comforting.

What to Expect– Author of the ‘What to Expect’ book, Heidi Murkoff discusses your pregnancy week by week. The content is the same as in the book, and there are 4D images shown in the video. If you’re reading the book, you may not find the video very helpful. Fact is I wasn’t able to remember all information and found is easier and more convenient to watch the video. Didn’t enjoy them as much, but it’s solid knowledge.

While there are many YouTube mommies out there who document their pregnancy week by week, and share their experience, I personally found informative videos like the ones from the above channels more practical to be part of. A high risk pregnancy is nothing like a normal pregnancy, and it’s uniqueness heightens, even if other moms on YouTube are going through similar issues in their pregnancies, it’s no fun. However I did enjoy watching videos on hospital bag packing tips, and baby shopping, they bring a lightness to the pregnancy. Also good are videos that talk about healthy pregnancy diets, and clear taboos associated with certain fruits, vegetables, ingredients etc. Sometimes we consume a particular food, without knowing all its benefits for pregnancy and baby, it’s important to take every experience in life and make it an educated one. I personally live by that mantra, you don’t need degrees, and certificates to prove knowledge, you just need to be smart about what’s around you and learn from life situations. There’s no point having babies after babies and still not be aware of pregnancy facts, or be stained by random advises.

Just wanted to share my go-to YouTube channels that have been a major part of my pregnancy. There are many out there, and I am sure I haven’t seen all, but these are my favourites 🙂

 

The hypocrisy of helplessness

Human beings have to make decisions in life, these range from small mundane everyday decisions to big life changing ones. Some of these impact only us on an individual level, while others have a wider family/societal impact. Decisions are not easy to make, we can’t possibly be trained to make decisions, no amount of education can prepare us for them, we all have our unique life experiences and encounters that require decision making. However, a strong moral compass helps you make the right one.

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Today I wanted to share the phenomenon on portraying oneself as helpless, when not really making any conscious effort to change your situation in life. Self-pity, playing the victim, are both cousins of the helpless person. You will come across people who are dangerous, and while danger can be described through various definitions, one kind of dangerous people are the ones who meddle, ruin things cause great chaos and when they realise they messed up, they conveniently hide behind the ‘helpless’ tag in order to avoid un-doing their mess. These are dangerous people, because you’d expect them to use the same power that they implemented initially to mess things in making things right, but they choose not to. The helplessness bandwagon is always full, filled with ego stroking, reality avoiding individuals whose conscience dies by the day. You will also find a bunch of soul dead, people in there who pep up and inspire these weak individuals.
When you take a deep breath and think, we are the best of creatures on earth, we are intellectually above every living organism on the planet. And if the animals are able to strive to solve their day to day problems and hustle; then why do we underestimate ourselves? I have observed the self-proclaimed ‘helpless’ and come to a conclusion that helplessness is a choice. A choice you make when you just don’t want to do anything, at the same time not take responsibility. Helplessness is a weak person’s way of gaining sympathy in situations where they know the guilt is killing them, an instant gratification from other humans is important for survival. Helplessness is a phenomenon those who are faithless feel, because they restrict their power to either themselves, their physical/mental capacity, or to that of the other human beings around them. If you’re an adult you’re not helpless, you’re merely trying to pacify yourself and probably create an excuse that will be universally accepted by other naïve/stupid people around you.

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If you want to test such people, give them ideas to help themselves, offer them opportunities to get out of their ‘helpless’ situation and see if they’re willing to put in any effort or just dismiss your ideas all together. The helplessness may also stem from hypocrisy. You will be able to identify it all, just takes a small conversation. I look at helplessness as a disease that makes you weaker spiritually, mentally and even physically. It eats you up, and leaves you in a state of despair. And I refuse to ever regard myself as helpless, no matter how tough life gets, no matter how difficult it seems to get out of a sticky situation, and I get the inspiration from that by having faith in a higher power, a God that doesn’t abandon its creatures. The more power we hand over to others, the weaker we feel. Hand over your troubles to your lord, He will guide you and help you. Stay focused on the truth and acting right. A person who is in a constant struggle to get out of a mess and seeking justice is never helpless, the strength only increases, and the truth about others becomes clear.
I pity and feel sorry for those who take pride in their helplessness. I feel happy that I am not one of them; I am glad that I have faith that makes me believe in my potential- potential whose extent I am unaware of, but am mindful of its existence. It’s sad, to  be the best of creatures on earth, and live it like the worst of creatures. I refuse to belittle myself with the helpless tag.

What 2016 taught me

It’s different this time, I started off the year with certain goals in mind and while they flew out the window the only realization I have left with me is to not be stupid again.
I have learned quite a few life lessons this year I will share the top three only….The beauty of life lessons is that they don’t necessarily need to come from your own life, being observant of others helps tremendously. So let’s get into it..
Lesson 1. Having faith is everything. There have been real lows in my life this year, and I continue to be in some of them still. But every time I felt lost, and confused the only hope came from having faith. I used to lose hope very quickly, and it takes a lot to get my spirits up. But not anymore, now I have figured out that when I see a cloud of hopelessness come toward me, I just skip the steps of sadness, and misery and hop on to what saves me, ie faith. Having faith in God helps you because He is the most powerful, so while the humans of the world can try to snatch away your happiness with their actions and intentions, you need not worry because they aren’t all powerful! And a regular dose of exploring faith, and just the mercy of Allah can help you stay on the track of positivity. It is important to be sane to be able to deal with hardships. And being calm in the storm is the key to success.
Lesson 2- No one deserves trust and respect unless they prove it. We will hear 10000 versions of opinions about a person from different people, but there’s no guarantee you will have the same holy experience. In fact human beings do a great job at hiding their true self, it’s a talent. Animals have more honesty in that respect, so there’s absolutely no need to have blind trust in anyone unless they have proved to your satisfaction that they are worthy of it. Have positive thoughts and opinions about everyone, innocent until proven guilty. But don’t be stupid and naïve enough to put your trust in someone’s hands just based on words.

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Lesson 3. There are good people in the world. There are. And if you’re lucky enough to attract any of them be super grateful and honest with them. Because you being chosen for another good human being is a blessing for yourself. Trust that your goodness can help others, and bring positivity into the life of another human being. Relationships have to be built on mutual love, trust and respect. Not taking anyone for granted is very important; it’s the only way to build and grow the positive circle around you.
Life is about growing; I have been observant of the people around me this year and noticed that those who don’t grow tend to never do justice to their purpose of existence. And I refuse to be one of those. Sometimes the best role model for you will be you and your own experiences. Respect is very difficult to attain, and sadly some people just don’t know how to handle it while they have it, and lose it all in their ego and high headedness. Our purpose in life is simple, it was never meant to be complicated, the sooner we figure it out the more productive we will be and hopefully die attaining it.

Pregnancy Tag

It’s been long since I did a tag. In fact only did one! Hehe Pregnancy tags are always fun to read and well here I answer questions from my first ever pregnancy tag:

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1. How many months are you?

6
2. Family’s Reaction?

Pleasantly surprised!
3. Do you know the sex?

In India no options there….I wish I could know, I think it helps with mental prep, not to mention shopping. I had a strong gut feeling with Batool that it was a girl but this time that’s missing. Praying for a healthy baby regardless of gender.

4. What did you want?

I secretly want a girl, but having a boy would be good exposure to variety 😉

5. Do you want more?

Considering that pregnancies take a toll on my body I do not wish to. However, not going to get any procedures done for steralisation.

6. Biggest craving?

Chicken shawarmas…OMG!

7. Best part of being pregnant?

The ever growing pampering from the hubby…..baby movements….the growing belly….

8. Worst part of being pregnant?

Restricted movement….and Hormones injections….

9. Names picked out?

Yes! For both genders, the husband and I are super prepared!
10. Who will be with you during labor?

Probably my mother or husband, don’t know what the hospital policy on that is as yet. I don’t mind the idea of just doing it solo.
11. Birth plan?

Trusting my doctor since this is a high risk pregnancy and a birth plan would most probably be useless!
12. Will you film it?

No
13. Natural or Medicated?

Natural…all the way….fingers crossed….I didn’t take an epidural last time and don’t want to as well.
14. Scared about labor?

Not scared, as I have been through it twice…but I guess with deliveries each is different…Anxiety is natural isn’t it!
15. What do you look forward to after pregnancy? Being able to go out and meet people and walk, and lie on my tummy and jump…..movement basically….
16. Breastfeed?

100% I wasn’t able to feed Batool as long as I wanted to, always had to express and feed her. I am hoping I would be able to experience breast feeding in all its glory…and for two years….
17. Plan to work or be a stay at home mom?

I have already put outside work on hold. I am a freelancer and a student. I am looking at not joining any committed work schedule for min 2 years for the baby…That may just increase to 4 who knows?! But I don’t consider work or anything along those lines priority when there’s a gift of a child in your life. I may mostly put my education on hold even though I am studying through distance mode. However I don’t wish to have any added stress/responsibilities, the baby deserves my 100%.
18. Will you make your own baby food?

Yes most definitely. I have already been getting excited about various ideas and pinteresting away…
19. Do you have nursery ideas/themes?

I am freaked out about SIDS. And research shows that the first year is crucial and co-sleeping is the best, apart from being practical as a breastfeeding mother. I plan to keep the baby in the same room and co-sleep for the first year for sure.

The OBGYN search stress in Hyderabad pt.1/2

You found out you’re pregnant! You tested your pee via an at-home pregnancy test, or went straight to the doc. It’s been established. Congratulations!!

If this is your first or not doesn’t matter when it comes to having to deal with finding the doctor that you want to consult, if you do not have a history of pregnancy complications, you can begin the excitement party, however if you wish to change your doctor, you are in for the stress ride of your life!

I shall share with you my experience and recommendations on how to decide on an OBGYN. As a woman and mother I strongly believe it is my responsibility to share this information, pregnancy isn’t meant to be stressful, and if I can eliminate even 2% of foreseeable stress I will!

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1.     1.  Don’t blindly follow people- You will get advice on many doctors from family and friends. But it’s best to decide on your own based on your own interaction with not just the doctor but the hospital staff as well. My point is, just because your friend was satisfied with her doctor doesn’t mean that you will too. At the same time, don’t blindly follow negative advice as well; every nursing home/hospital will have hits and misses with their patients. You need to make your decision based on your personal experience, it’s good to keep your eyes and ears open and be cautious, but don’t rule out anything based on what others say.

2.     2.  First trimester experiments- Your first trimester is the best time to do doctor hopping. It’s a relatively safe zone, all doctors will put you on multivitamins. Unless it’s a high risk pregnancy, there maybe other protocol but otherwise you’re in the safe zone to not just move around physically but also emotionally you’ll be in a stable state to explore the options you have.

3.      3.Ask, ask ask!- Don’t hesistate to ask questions, you’re responsible for the little embryo in you and you owe it to him/her to be informed and make the best decisions. And you can’t make informed decisions without information! Many people are afraid to ask doctors why certain tests/medicines/procedures are being prescribed, it’s your body, you have all the right. If the doctor is confident and experienced they won’t dismiss your queries. A lot of the time the only questioning couples tend to do are with the reception about the “delivery packages”, while that is a valid and important query, how you’re taken care of during the course of the pregnancy holds a lot of weightage. Be open with your doctor, if you don’t like their tone, or the lack of attention they’re giving you voice your concerns. Sadly some doctors won’t even give you time, a student will meet you, take your history and information and you will leave confused. This happens especially if the hospital is thriving on the name they have made and not the care they provide to the patients.

4.      4. Understand that this isn’t like any other experience- 9 months is a big chunk of your life, it’s not a cold or cough, that you can make do with any random medication or advice from a so-so doctor. You have to make sure that you are emotionally able to handle what comes your way good/bad. Pregnancy complications are becoming very common, and while I wouldn’t suggest you worry about them, it’s practical to keep that in the back of your mind while choosing a doctor. Will your doctor and the hospital be able to cater to complications? Do you trust your doctor enough in scenarios of such complications. Usually you’ll know from the beginning if you would get along with the doctor, just by how they communicate and treat you in routine visits.

Stay tuned for part two with 6 more pointers……

S