Moms we should be talking about

Mothers Day went by and brought a lot of joys for moms across the globe. The social media exploded with posts, photos, heart warming messages and quotes, videos and loads of competitions/giveaways. There was happiness everywhere. I am a mom too, and I pondered over my life and the many moms that I know of. Deep thoughts made me realise that we don’t discuss some mothers. We are too caught up in the normalcy of life, and the struggles we see in common around us that we do not think beyond them to realise a fellow mom exists who isn’t in the same state as us.

This Mothers day I thought deeply of the moms like me, Moms who visit the courts to fight for their childs custody. I at-least have baby Abbas with me now, to feel more like a hands on mother, but what about the mothers who are struggling in our judicial system fighting in court for the best interest of their child? Dealing with an ego-centric ex-husband, not being allowed visitations! Thoughts led me to think about the moms who aren’t living the ordinary life. They don’t get a card or gift from their child, because their child passed away….Moms who are trying to make a living on their own as single parents, moms who have just separated or divorced and are trying to figure out the dynamic of their new life…moms who have child/ren with disabilities….moms who have children fighting for their life in hospitals..moms who chose to be moms and adopted children…..moms who have recently lost their moms…moms who may be battling a life threatening disease…moms who have been separated from their children due to war, moms who are unable to meet their children waiting for visitations rights….Moms who have children who have not turned out to be morally sound….Moms who are consoling daughters/sons who have been through abuse…..moms who became moms due to assault…They are all moms aren’t they?

Screenshot_20170517-170842_1

From my personal experience I have learned that; yes, in our country and culture moms are given much respect. But a lot of that is in words. “Maa” they say, but sometimes a mother can be another mothers worst enemy. I guess it’s only when you go through certain experiences do you recognise the honest people from the big-talkers. Everyone says moms are the most important person in the lives of children, yet we aren’t as aware of the severity of mommy struggles that surround us. Truly mothers are the strongest creatures on earth. I remember my moms prayers, whenever she used to hear the sound of speeding sports bikes in the late hours of the night, she used to say “May Allah give patience to the mothers of these boys”. I’m talking about school days, the thoughts that used to come to my mind were ‘oh cool, they’re going by like lightening…or I wish I could ride a bike that fast…..or why can’t be quieter….’ But since my mom voiced her concern as the mother, empathising with the moms of those biker boys I realised that there is such a solid perspective to this. How many times a day or month or even year do we think from the mothers perspective? How many of us have tried to think about the experience of the mother whenever her child goes through something?

I tell myself during my mommy struggles that, at-least I have faith, and the faith in God is the best. I am grateful that I am not a refugee separated from my child, I am grateful that my child hasn’t died in a shooting at school, or been killed by terrorists or extremist groups. As a mother I think it’s important to empathise, put ourselves in the shoes of other mums, even if it’s just in our thoughts and try to understand what the other moms are going through. Only a mom can understand another mom.

Screenshot_20170517-171651_1

This may not have been the most chirpy, candyfloss and balloons kind of a post, but important none the less. It’s extremely important for us to discuss the societal issues, and value EVERY mom, and think about the not-so-common struggles of a mother, and if not be able to help, be grateful that we aren’t facing them 🙂

I request prayers from everyone for my pending custody case, hope to get my daughter back soon and give her the life she deserves.

Advertisements

The hypocrisy of helplessness

Human beings have to make decisions in life, these range from small mundane everyday decisions to big life changing ones. Some of these impact only us on an individual level, while others have a wider family/societal impact. Decisions are not easy to make, we can’t possibly be trained to make decisions, no amount of education can prepare us for them, we all have our unique life experiences and encounters that require decision making. However, a strong moral compass helps you make the right one.

helplessness-quote
Today I wanted to share the phenomenon on portraying oneself as helpless, when not really making any conscious effort to change your situation in life. Self-pity, playing the victim, are both cousins of the helpless person. You will come across people who are dangerous, and while danger can be described through various definitions, one kind of dangerous people are the ones who meddle, ruin things cause great chaos and when they realise they messed up, they conveniently hide behind the ‘helpless’ tag in order to avoid un-doing their mess. These are dangerous people, because you’d expect them to use the same power that they implemented initially to mess things in making things right, but they choose not to. The helplessness bandwagon is always full, filled with ego stroking, reality avoiding individuals whose conscience dies by the day. You will also find a bunch of soul dead, people in there who pep up and inspire these weak individuals.
When you take a deep breath and think, we are the best of creatures on earth, we are intellectually above every living organism on the planet. And if the animals are able to strive to solve their day to day problems and hustle; then why do we underestimate ourselves? I have observed the self-proclaimed ‘helpless’ and come to a conclusion that helplessness is a choice. A choice you make when you just don’t want to do anything, at the same time not take responsibility. Helplessness is a weak person’s way of gaining sympathy in situations where they know the guilt is killing them, an instant gratification from other humans is important for survival. Helplessness is a phenomenon those who are faithless feel, because they restrict their power to either themselves, their physical/mental capacity, or to that of the other human beings around them. If you’re an adult you’re not helpless, you’re merely trying to pacify yourself and probably create an excuse that will be universally accepted by other naïve/stupid people around you.

screenshot_20170114-191843_1

If you want to test such people, give them ideas to help themselves, offer them opportunities to get out of their ‘helpless’ situation and see if they’re willing to put in any effort or just dismiss your ideas all together. The helplessness may also stem from hypocrisy. You will be able to identify it all, just takes a small conversation. I look at helplessness as a disease that makes you weaker spiritually, mentally and even physically. It eats you up, and leaves you in a state of despair. And I refuse to ever regard myself as helpless, no matter how tough life gets, no matter how difficult it seems to get out of a sticky situation, and I get the inspiration from that by having faith in a higher power, a God that doesn’t abandon its creatures. The more power we hand over to others, the weaker we feel. Hand over your troubles to your lord, He will guide you and help you. Stay focused on the truth and acting right. A person who is in a constant struggle to get out of a mess and seeking justice is never helpless, the strength only increases, and the truth about others becomes clear.
I pity and feel sorry for those who take pride in their helplessness. I feel happy that I am not one of them; I am glad that I have faith that makes me believe in my potential- potential whose extent I am unaware of, but am mindful of its existence. It’s sad, to  be the best of creatures on earth, and live it like the worst of creatures. I refuse to belittle myself with the helpless tag.

What 2016 taught me

It’s different this time, I started off the year with certain goals in mind and while they flew out the window the only realization I have left with me is to not be stupid again.
I have learned quite a few life lessons this year I will share the top three only….The beauty of life lessons is that they don’t necessarily need to come from your own life, being observant of others helps tremendously. So let’s get into it..
Lesson 1. Having faith is everything. There have been real lows in my life this year, and I continue to be in some of them still. But every time I felt lost, and confused the only hope came from having faith. I used to lose hope very quickly, and it takes a lot to get my spirits up. But not anymore, now I have figured out that when I see a cloud of hopelessness come toward me, I just skip the steps of sadness, and misery and hop on to what saves me, ie faith. Having faith in God helps you because He is the most powerful, so while the humans of the world can try to snatch away your happiness with their actions and intentions, you need not worry because they aren’t all powerful! And a regular dose of exploring faith, and just the mercy of Allah can help you stay on the track of positivity. It is important to be sane to be able to deal with hardships. And being calm in the storm is the key to success.
Lesson 2- No one deserves trust and respect unless they prove it. We will hear 10000 versions of opinions about a person from different people, but there’s no guarantee you will have the same holy experience. In fact human beings do a great job at hiding their true self, it’s a talent. Animals have more honesty in that respect, so there’s absolutely no need to have blind trust in anyone unless they have proved to your satisfaction that they are worthy of it. Have positive thoughts and opinions about everyone, innocent until proven guilty. But don’t be stupid and naïve enough to put your trust in someone’s hands just based on words.

screenshot_20170103-182125_1

Lesson 3. There are good people in the world. There are. And if you’re lucky enough to attract any of them be super grateful and honest with them. Because you being chosen for another good human being is a blessing for yourself. Trust that your goodness can help others, and bring positivity into the life of another human being. Relationships have to be built on mutual love, trust and respect. Not taking anyone for granted is very important; it’s the only way to build and grow the positive circle around you.
Life is about growing; I have been observant of the people around me this year and noticed that those who don’t grow tend to never do justice to their purpose of existence. And I refuse to be one of those. Sometimes the best role model for you will be you and your own experiences. Respect is very difficult to attain, and sadly some people just don’t know how to handle it while they have it, and lose it all in their ego and high headedness. Our purpose in life is simple, it was never meant to be complicated, the sooner we figure it out the more productive we will be and hopefully die attaining it.

Pregnancy Tag

It’s been long since I did a tag. In fact only did one! Hehe Pregnancy tags are always fun to read and well here I answer questions from my first ever pregnancy tag:

pregnancy-tag-quote
1. How many months are you?

6
2. Family’s Reaction?

Pleasantly surprised!
3. Do you know the sex?

In India no options there….I wish I could know, I think it helps with mental prep, not to mention shopping. I had a strong gut feeling with Batool that it was a girl but this time that’s missing. Praying for a healthy baby regardless of gender.

4. What did you want?

I secretly want a girl, but having a boy would be good exposure to variety 😉

5. Do you want more?

Considering that pregnancies take a toll on my body I do not wish to. However, not going to get any procedures done for steralisation.

6. Biggest craving?

Chicken shawarmas…OMG!

7. Best part of being pregnant?

The ever growing pampering from the hubby…..baby movements….the growing belly….

8. Worst part of being pregnant?

Restricted movement….and Hormones injections….

9. Names picked out?

Yes! For both genders, the husband and I are super prepared!
10. Who will be with you during labor?

Probably my mother or husband, don’t know what the hospital policy on that is as yet. I don’t mind the idea of just doing it solo.
11. Birth plan?

Trusting my doctor since this is a high risk pregnancy and a birth plan would most probably be useless!
12. Will you film it?

No
13. Natural or Medicated?

Natural…all the way….fingers crossed….I didn’t take an epidural last time and don’t want to as well.
14. Scared about labor?

Not scared, as I have been through it twice…but I guess with deliveries each is different…Anxiety is natural isn’t it!
15. What do you look forward to after pregnancy? Being able to go out and meet people and walk, and lie on my tummy and jump…..movement basically….
16. Breastfeed?

100% I wasn’t able to feed Batool as long as I wanted to, always had to express and feed her. I am hoping I would be able to experience breast feeding in all its glory…and for two years….
17. Plan to work or be a stay at home mom?

I have already put outside work on hold. I am a freelancer and a student. I am looking at not joining any committed work schedule for min 2 years for the baby…That may just increase to 4 who knows?! But I don’t consider work or anything along those lines priority when there’s a gift of a child in your life. I may mostly put my education on hold even though I am studying through distance mode. However I don’t wish to have any added stress/responsibilities, the baby deserves my 100%.
18. Will you make your own baby food?

Yes most definitely. I have already been getting excited about various ideas and pinteresting away…
19. Do you have nursery ideas/themes?

I am freaked out about SIDS. And research shows that the first year is crucial and co-sleeping is the best, apart from being practical as a breastfeeding mother. I plan to keep the baby in the same room and co-sleep for the first year for sure.

The human moles

Some of the best descriptions of human beings can be made through comparisons with animals. We’ve all done it at some point in our lives, sometimes in anger, sometimes in just plain humor. We ourselves tend to identify ourselves with certain animal instincts and personalities that are exclusive to certain animals. And while I do not like to categorise humans being as animals, there is a mole phenomenon that exists.

Image result for mole animal

Who are the human moles (as I like to call them)?

For starters let’s try to zoom into which aspect of the animal I am referring to -The digging deep into the earth, FYI moles are nocturnal animals. And when you have a mole problem in your garden or back yard or house even, you will constantly be surprised as you explore each hole they have dug. Just when you think you’ve seen the deepest, you will discover a deeper one few steps ahead. Ditto is the case with the human moles. They’re not physically digging any hole, they are stooping lower and lower, losing all their self-worth, respect, sense of humanity.And just when you thought you discovered the lowest of that person, you will surprised by another lower level fall.

This is an experience of great betrayal. It eventually makes you accept that there’s talent in stooping low and that this person has no baseline. There is just no stopping such people, who are determined to showcase their true status in life. Initially it is difficult to accept, but then you just can’t even get surprised, just feel sorry for them. The lower they go the more difficult it is for them to get out.

Moles die due to prolonged exposure to sun. It’s same with the human moles, they can’t survive the light of a good human being. While you may not be able to witness the tortured death of the human moles, I advice you to have faith in yourself, your goodness, the light of integrity that you carry within your soul and be grateful you aren’t them.

Identifying the strength in you is enough to deal with the rubbish in others. We tend to think we are weak based on the  false/ exaggerated power showcased by our enemies, but the fact is, their strength doesn’t define ours 🙂

Playing the victim

I am only 27 years of age. Sometimes when we get into the true adult struggles at a young age, we tend to start feeling like we’ve seen it all. I have to remind myself that there’s much more to learn, this reality especially strikes when my husband tells me that the world isn’t as simple as I look at it. And well while it is difficult to hear those words, I have learned to accept it, because it is the truth.
There have been various experiences I have been through, till date I have gotten married twice, had multiple miscarriages, a pre-term baby, co-founded a non-profit organisation, worked and volunteered, and now growing my family with my husband. There have been problems, and being an observant and empathetic person I always tried to put myself in the shoes of others and be forgiving. But that doesn’t work for all, not all the people are deserving of that. And now I have learned to draw boundaries. I have explored my personality strengths, both in my professional and personal life. I have discovered many characteristics about myself that I need to love and respect, and several I need to work on and eventually let go of. One of the major lessons I have learnt is that there’s always scope to grow, and the right people will bring out the good in you, and help you work on the not-so-good bits about yourself. These people are the ones who are worthy of patience, care, empathy and love.

Image result for overprotective parents raise the best liars
What’s the purpose of this post? Well, I wanted to discuss a classic characteristic of people I have come across- Victimizing yourself. The people who just won’t accept their fault, and their ego is too big to accept any weakness in themselves, and when they know they’re wrong, they turn to playing the victim. Blaming you for the problems you are in and they are in as well, instead of owning it. You may have come across such people in your life. What I have observed is such people tend to become the way they are due to backing from their parents, family or friends. Poor parenting results in irresponsible children, who just refuse to take ownership of the rubbish they have created, they also tend to be liars, lazy, selfish, and inconsiderate. If you’re a sensitive or naïve person you will very easily fall into the trap, and start feeling like the problem, because of their skills in playing victim. They do it with confidence BTW.
Fact is, when it’s a stranger you will behave differently, but when your own friends or family are like this you tend to be more forgiving and hence are taken for granted. This is where the damage on you starts while the other person just enjoys the attention and pampering. Anything wrong that happens becomes your fault by default. Point to remember here is; you are strong and don’t need to manage anyone’s rubbish. I learned this the hard way. In the end it’s a logical discussion to have in your mind, take a deep breath and be sure of yourself, be rational in analyzing the scenario and try to see from a third persons eye if it truly is your fault. And don’t worry about how elder or younger the person is, if they’re wrong they’re wrong. You need not be their ego polisher, that’s not our job on earth.

Image result for self victimization quotes
A recent experience just boiled my blood, and I for the first time stood my ground and didn’t give in to the emotional manipulation. Makes me feel so strong it’s indescribable. Experiences mold us, but we can choose to change our reactions to every situation, see what works best for us. As human beings we have a natural pre-disposition to gravitate to goodness. Let’s liberate ourselves from the negative people in it who unfortunately walk the earth. And make sure we aren’t contributing more of such types, through strong parenting.
Be strong, be right!

 

Unconditional Positive regard :)

Relationships aren’t meant to be stressful. I am talking about all the relationships we form during the course of our lives. Friends, family, lovers, spouses etc. They are meant to provide something beautiful, they are meant to liberate us.

wpid-quotes-seen-miraculous-elizabeth-gilbert-480x480

Your friends shouldn’t make you feel restricted, your husband/wife shouldn’t make you feel bound, your family shouldn’t make you feel contrived. In my little experience in life, I have started to value the relationships that are consciously formed, we can’t change the people who are part of our lives because they’re linked to us by biological bonds. This makes it crucial for us to create an environment around us that makes us feel free, stable, connected and liberated at every step. For this first we need to know who we are, and what we are looking for in these friends, partners, lovers, etc.

upr31344115437730Some people are not capable of giving this freedom. Avoid them, they’re toxic, they will take everything you have and leave you wondering why you even bothered. These people are in majority, I am warning you. I learned the hard way, well, at some level I consider myself stupid beyond explanation of naivete. I really was taken for a ride, but learned my lesson, learned more about myself, and while trust issues may be part of my life for some more time, I have realised that it is not wrong to stand up for yourself, and demand the respect which was supposed to be given by default. When you let go of such people, they will reveal even more of their colours. But they will never see you the way you are, they’re blind to goodness, unfortunately. And if you’re lucky and strong you will get yourself out of the environment such people create.

I am glad I have a support system that makes me feel thankful to Allah every moment. Friends who know when to do what, how to make me laugh, when to provide support, how to be blunt and honest, most importantly they are 100% welcome me for who I am. It is important to have this bunch of people, and important to reciprocate these relationships with the same respect and sanctity. Apart from my lovely friends I also have a lovely partner who is supportive and liberates me, accepts me, has unconditional positive regard for me. The freedom that comes with adding someone to your life is something to be experienced, words can not describe them. I am content. And with the sanity, and faith I believe we all can be honest, and accept people, and demand acceptance, pity those who can’t get out of their bubble and enjoy life and relationships to their best. We only have one life on this earth, we ought to make the most of it.

Let’s make a conscious effort to not judge, have unconditional positive regard for people around us, so that we can enjoy every relationship to the fullest and feel liberated. It’s challenging, but definitely not impossible, and worth your while. Trust me on that 🙂